Six months ago I moved from LA to Nashville. I’m excited about the prospect of being able to build a home base here, and be closer to my family, especially now.
Two weeks before my big move, my mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer. We worked together to find a treatment that would work best for her, and then began the journey of finding a way to pay for it.
When I left LA I was doing well, regularly invited to speak and share my story at local events, and building a client list for my writing. In my grand imagination I would move here and be all set up with housing and car registration in a month.
That didn’t happen….. instead I find myself six months later just now finding a place where I will be able to unload my stuff from storage, order wifi, and create a much needed writers cave. (I write in complete isolation. It’s the only way I can dig in to a story.)
I thought I would be launching in to an exciting time with new adventures and fun times all around!!! Instead I have had to step down from much of my work in order to focus my time on the fundraising campaign for my mom, as well as have time to address the many requests the city of Nashville has regarding residency, registration, and even just turning on the utilities has turned in to a full fledged project.
In this short amount of time I have found out some hard truths about myself. I still identify myself by what I do, instead of just who I am. I know this because while friends and associates are moving forward in their careers I am basically on pause, and experiencing what can only be described as jealously over the successes of others. Even when some of those others are people I dearly love.
Wow. I truly thought I was a deep and generous person. And I fundamentally am. The majority of my life is centered around service to others. But in these past few months I found out how attached I am to my own importance. If people are succeeding, thriving, battles are being won, that should be all that matters. Right? But I found that I actually cared if my name was on the ‘call sheet’.
Then a funny thing happened. I began to be grateful for being temporarily removed from the spotlight. It wouldn’t have been good for me during this time to be committed to these many things. Others have shined in doing good work, and it has been my blessing to watch them grow and succeed.
Yes, I will eventually return to the mountain top – to the front lines of the battle (where I prefer to be). But the work I am doing right now to help my mom, and to have this opportunity to spend time with loved ones is important.
For the last six months I felt I was not achieving much. But then I realized that taking a break from my typical life to do something crucially important IS a version of achieving. I may not be getting 100 likes on my instagram posts right now, but I am loving my family as best I can, and contributing to someone’s life who has had a beautiful affect on so many people. My mom may not be on a platform, but she’s definitely a star.
Life is not all mountain tops. Every event is not about me. I learned these last months about how I really feel about my own importance, and I’m glad I have been given this opportunity to work this out in my soul.
To whom much is given, much is required. If I really aim to continue working with high risk populations and bringing restoration to the lives of women across this world, I first need to kill that funky ego of mine. Because quite frankly it serves no one.
Have you ever been over whelmed by your own need to feel important?
Have you ever experienced jealousy when you were least expecting that emotion?
Please share with us how you overcame your own self-importance in your life.
We’re all imperfect humans. But I will always believe, Life is better when we do it together!
Jessika Fuhrmaneck is a member of the Writing and Speaking team for both Treasures LA and Two Wings. She has recently begun working with Love Nashville as part of a Discipleship Team that helps to mentor women who are working in the sex trade.